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The Mel Robbins Podcast

What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss

90 min episode · 2 min read
·
David Kessler

Episode

90 min

Read time

2 min

Topics

Relationships, Psychology & Behavior

AI-Generated Summary

Key Takeaways

  • Grief Timeline Reality: Early grief lasts two years, not months. Most people wait five years before seeking professional support, living with unprocessed pain. The second wave of help-seeking occurs after the one-year mark when people realize grief does not disappear on schedule as expected.
  • Practical vs Feeling Grievers: Practical grievers process loss quickly, attend funerals and move forward without lingering emotions. They were practical about everything before the loss and remain consistent. Feeling grievers need to talk, process, and take longer. Neither style is wrong, but practical grievers cannot provide emotional support to feeling grievers.
  • Supporting Someone Grieving: Show up at three days, three weeks, and three months. Never ask what they need—they are barely functioning. Instead, bring specific help: frozen meals, groceries, car maintenance, childcare. Your presence matters more than words. Simply say you will walk this path with them, not fix them.
  • Grief Bursts and Love Bursts: Grief ambushes people randomly years later through grief bursts—sudden overwhelming sadness at work or the grocery store. These are normal, not signs of being stuck. People also experience love bursts, sudden waves of love for the deceased. Both expand your capacity for emotion and are part of lifelong grief.
  • Living Amends Contract: When someone dies after an argument or without hearing your apology, write a living amends. State what you regret, then commit to a specific behavior change for life in their honor. This transforms guilt into meaningful action, like always ending disagreements with kindness or apologizing quickly after mistakes.

What It Covers

David Kessler, grief expert with thirty years experience, explains why most people wait five years before seeking help for grief, how to support grieving friends, the difference between practical and feeling grievers, and finding meaning after devastating loss.

Key Questions Answered

  • Grief Timeline Reality: Early grief lasts two years, not months. Most people wait five years before seeking professional support, living with unprocessed pain. The second wave of help-seeking occurs after the one-year mark when people realize grief does not disappear on schedule as expected.
  • Practical vs Feeling Grievers: Practical grievers process loss quickly, attend funerals and move forward without lingering emotions. They were practical about everything before the loss and remain consistent. Feeling grievers need to talk, process, and take longer. Neither style is wrong, but practical grievers cannot provide emotional support to feeling grievers.
  • Supporting Someone Grieving: Show up at three days, three weeks, and three months. Never ask what they need—they are barely functioning. Instead, bring specific help: frozen meals, groceries, car maintenance, childcare. Your presence matters more than words. Simply say you will walk this path with them, not fix them.
  • Grief Bursts and Love Bursts: Grief ambushes people randomly years later through grief bursts—sudden overwhelming sadness at work or the grocery store. These are normal, not signs of being stuck. People also experience love bursts, sudden waves of love for the deceased. Both expand your capacity for emotion and are part of lifelong grief.
  • Living Amends Contract: When someone dies after an argument or without hearing your apology, write a living amends. State what you regret, then commit to a specific behavior change for life in their honor. This transforms guilt into meaningful action, like always ending disagreements with kindness or apologizing quickly after mistakes.

Notable Moment

Kessler reveals that after his son died at twenty-one from an overdose, he attended a grief support group three times before entering, wore a baseball cap and glasses to hide his identity as a grief expert, and sat five feet from his own books, unable to tell anyone who he was.

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Episode Transcript

Hey. It's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, you and I are gonna cover a topic that over 18,000 of you have emailed in asking me to get a world class expert to come talk about. It is one of the most requested topics that I've never discussed on this podcast. What nobody tells you about grief and loss. And I wanna say something before we jump in. Thank you. Thank you for hitting play. This can be a hard topic for every one of us to lean into, and so I am so proud of you and proud of myself for being here. Now I've waited until now to have this conversation because I needed the right person to guide you and me through this topic, and that person is David Kessler. David has over thirty years of experience helping people through unimaginable loss, and David also knows what it's like to lose someone. He's lived it. He's studied it. He's taught it. And today, he is here in our Boston studios for you and the people that you care about. He's gonna walk you through the science and process of healing from grief, and he's also gonna explain why love and grief are a package deal. He'll share what no one else tells you about grief and loss, and he's gonna do it in a way that you've never heard before. This conversation is also about what comes next. Living with grief with more peace, more grace, more laughter, and more meaning. You're gonna discover how to carry your love forward without being trapped in pain or guilt. You're gonna get the tools for how to deal with intense emotions when they crash in. And you're also gonna learn what to say and the things to never say in grief, whether you're the one grieving and you're saying it to yourself, or you're just trying to support someone who is. By the end of our conversation, you're gonna feel less alone, and you're gonna look at this topic and what's possible completely differently. Because it's gonna open the door to healing, happiness, hope, and give you the road map to living a more meaningful life after loss. Hey. It's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am really excited that you're here. It is always an honor to be together and to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, I wanted to personally take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family, and I also wanted to thank you for hitting play on an extraordinarily important topic. Joining us in our Boston studios is one of the world's most trusted voices on grief and loss, David Kessler. David is the founder of grief.com, an online platform with workbooks, workshops, and support groups that have helped over 5,000,000 people navigate every kind of …

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