How to Feel Truly Loved (with Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis)

What It Covers

Psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis present five evidence-based mindsets to increase feelings of being loved. Research shows 70% of people do not feel as loved as they want, with consequences equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes daily. The solution involves changing conversations rather than changing yourself or others.

Key Questions Answered

• •Sharing vulnerability paradox: Opening up about genuine weaknesses and insecurities makes people like you more, not less. Start small by replacing "I'm fine" with honest responses like "I had a rough day," then gradually reveal deeper aspects. The illusion of transparency means others cannot read your mind, even close partners of 41 years, so explicit sharing is essential for feeling known and loved.
• •Listening to learn technique: Listen as if you will be tested the next day on retelling the story. Research shows 90% of people believe they are good listeners, but only 8% feel others listen well to them. Ask "tell me more" with genuine curiosity and follow-up questions that demonstrate understanding. This approach reduces teacher burnout and makes couples less defensive during conflict, even without resolving issues.
• •Radical curiosity application: Focus questions on the person rather than topics. Instead of asking about basketball scores, ask how they got into basketball or how it makes them feel. Studies with nine to 11 year old children show those who performed acts of kindness became more popular in their classrooms. Curiosity interventions increase positive emotions, well-being, self-worth, and autonomy while decreasing negative emotions and stress.
• •Open-hearted giving benefits: Performing acts of kindness for others produces longer-lasting happiness than self-care activities like massages or naps. Workplace studies show givers experience reduced stress and depression 16 weeks later, while receivers only feel immediate benefits. Acts of kindness also produce genomic changes, reducing pro-inflammatory gene expression and increasing antiviral activity for better immune health.
• •Multiplicity mindset practice: Recognize that all people, including yourself, have multiple facets beyond single bad actions. When someone behaves poorly, immediately search for benign interpretations before judging their character. Visualizing the person as a young child reduces judgment. Self-compassion about your own flaws opens you to receiving love authentically, as you stop suspecting others' kindness and see compliments as genuine rather than suspicious.