How to Regulate Your Emotions and Mental Chatter When Bad Things Happen | Maya Shankar

What It Covers

Cognitive scientist Maya Shankar discusses navigating adversity and change after losing her violin career at 15 and facing years of fertility struggles. She shares evidence-based techniques for managing rumination, catastrophic thinking, and self-identity threats when life disrupts planned futures. The conversation covers cognitive biases, psychological distancing methods, and building resilient identities anchored in values rather than outcomes.

Key Questions Answered

• •Expansive Identity Building: Anchor self-identity to your why rather than what you do. When Shankar lost violin after a hand injury, she realized emotional connection drove her love for music. This why remained stable and guided her toward cognitive science and podcasting. Define yourself by core values like helping others or continuous learning, not job titles or roles, so identity survives when circumstances change.
• •Self-Affirmation Exercise: Spend five to ten minutes listing every identity that brings meaning or purpose not threatened by current change. Research shows this reduces denial by demonstrating how much of yourself remains intact despite loss. When facing relationship struggles, note strong spiritual life or valued work relationships. This technique makes people less prone to psychological immune responses that delay processing difficult changes.
• •End of History Illusion: People acknowledge past change but believe they are finished products now. Big life disruptions accelerate internal transformation, unlocking new perspectives and abilities. This bias causes catastrophic thinking about future adversity because you assume current self must handle future problems. Reality: you will become a different, more capable person through the pressure test of change itself.
• •Affect Labeling for Rumination: Name specific negative emotions like frustration, despair, or envy rather than experiencing undifferentiated negativity. Neuroscience research shows labeling reduces emotional intensity by shifting perception from being the emotion to having the emotion. This creates psychological distance. Pair with mental time travel by asking how you will feel about current preoccupation in five hours, five days, or five years to break mental prisons.
• •Distraction as Valid Strategy: Recent resilience research contradicts the narrative that healthy processing requires constantly confronting negative emotions. Individual differences determine effective responses. Studies show some people achieve better long-term outcomes using distraction without emotions resurfacing later. If persistent emotional confrontation works, continue. If not, engaging in activities like dance classes or hobbies represents legitimate coping without guilt or future consequences.
• •Belief Interrogation Framework: Treat beliefs as testable hypotheses rather than immutable truths. Ask: How did I get from point A to point B in this thinking? What existing beliefs formed this new belief? What evidence would persuade me to change my mind? Most beliefs form through mental shortcuts, emotional states during information receipt, or cultural absorption rather than deliberate reasoning. Conduct belief audits to identify unfounded assumptions limiting well-being.