I Have a Crush on a Coworker

What It Covers

A recently divorced woman seeks guidance about pursuing a romantic relationship with a coworker she has known for one year. Esther Perel explores the caller's pattern of rushing into relationships following two abusive partnerships and a nine-year marriage that lacked emotional connection, offering strategies to slow down and build relationships organically.

Key Questions Answered

• •Savoring attraction after loss: Rather than immediately acting on romantic feelings or suppressing them, allow yourself to experience the return of desire and curiosity as a sign of emotional recovery. This intermediate space between fantasy and action permits exploration without commitment, helping distinguish between genuine compatibility and rebound reactions following relationship endings or divorces.
• •Organic relationship development: Build connections through repeated friend-context interactions before defining them as romantic. Attend group activities, observe how the person interacts with longtime friends, and let mutual interest reveal itself naturally through dancing, shared hobbies, or casual outings. This approach creates opportunities for attraction to ripen without the pressure of formal dating declarations or rushed commitments.
• •Collective radar for relationship assessment: Consult trusted colleagues and mutual friends who have observed the potential partner over time to gather multiple perspectives on character, behavior patterns, and relationship history. Ask specific questions about what others have noticed between you, whether the attraction appears mutual, and what they know about the person's past relationships and interpersonal dynamics.
• •Internal dialogue between caution and desire: Develop a stereophonic system where your enthusiastic, passionate voice and your cautious, analytical voice communicate rather than compete. Ask each perspective what it notices that the other misses. Give each voice temporary space to speak fully rather than forcing constant balance, recognizing that crush energy resists reason while protective instincts resist vulnerability and spontaneity.
• •Contextual dating versus isolation: Involve broader social circles in early relationship development rather than exclusively one-on-one dating. Introduce potential partners to friends and family, observe them in work settings, and participate in group activities together. This multi-dimensional exposure reveals how someone treats others, handles different social situations, and integrates into existing life structures before deep emotional investment occurs.