Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

What It Covers

Mel Robbins and her 21-year-old son Oakley walk through a four-part checklist developed from Oakley's 18-month struggle with unhappiness during his first year and a half of college. The framework helps determine whether unhappiness stems from personal mindset and behavior patterns or from a genuinely wrong situation, guiding the stay-or-leave decision.

Key Questions Answered

• •Comparison trap: Constantly measuring a new chapter against a previous one guarantees present misery. Oakley spent 18 months comparing college friendships, sports teams, and daily life to his high school experience, which made him judge every new person and opportunity as inferior before giving them a real chance. The first diagnostic question to ask when unhappy: am I living in the present or using the past as a measuring stick?
• •Energy posture check: Unhappiness often manifests as crossed arms and withdrawal — what Mel calls "shrinking." The antidote is deliberately expanding outward: saying yes to invitations, reaching out to acquaintances for one-on-one time, and attending events repeatedly rather than once. Oakley's turnaround began when he started texting "mutuals" — people he knew casually — and following through on plans instead of letting them dissolve.
• •The one-year rule: A single attempt at something new produces insufficient data. Oakley attended one party, felt out of place, left early, and used that as evidence the school was wrong for him. Genuine evaluation requires sustained effort across roughly 12 months. Stanford professor Tina Selig's research on luck supports this: people who seem lucky consistently place themselves in the current of desired outcomes through repeated small actions.
• •Close the exits: Having a fallback option — a long-distance relationship, frequent trips back to a former city, staying mentally in a past chapter — prevents full commitment to the present situation. Oakley's long-distance relationship gave him a Friday-night escape that replaced socializing for an entire year. Mel did the same by driving back to Boston repeatedly after moving to Vermont. Removing the exit, even when painful, forces genuine engagement with the current chapter.
• •100% presence test: Straddling two situations simultaneously — one foot in the present, one foot elsewhere — makes it impossible to fairly evaluate where you are. This applies physically, as with Oakley's weekend phone calls and Mel's Boston trips, and mentally, as with anyone who daydreams about a former relationship or job while nominally committed to a current one. The checklist question: are both feet actually in this chapter right now?
• •Change yourself first, then evaluate the situation: If nothing changes about how you show up — attitude, energy, actions, willingness to engage — the situation cannot change either. Only after exhausting personal changes does the data become valid for deciding to leave. Mel's example: her eldest daughter spent three years at a tech firm, earned promotions, launched an internal young professionals group, and still found the culture wrong. That track record justified leaving without regret.