A neuroscientist's guide to managing our emotions

What It Covers

Psychologist and neuroscientist Ethan Cross from the University of Michigan presents research-backed tools for emotional regulation, arguing that negative emotions are not inherently harmful, that self-control is malleable across a lifetime, and that personalized combinations of strategies outperform any single universal approach.

Key Questions Answered

• •Distanced Self-Talk: Referring to yourself by name and using "you" instead of "I" when processing a problem shifts perspective within seconds. Neuroimaging studies show measurable reductions in emotional response amplitude with no corresponding increase in cognitive effort, making it one of the lowest-effort, highest-return regulation tools available.
• •Emotional Toolbox Variability: A COVID-era study tracking thousands of participants over several weeks found that people using three to four tools daily reduced anxiety from one day to the next, but the effective combinations differed significantly per person. No universal prescription exists; self-experimentation across tools is the recommended approach.
• •Sensory Regulation Gap: Studies show that while close to 100% of people report listening to music because of how it makes them feel, only 10–30% strategically use music to shift negative emotional states. Building a dedicated playlist and applying it intentionally during anxiety, anger, or low motivation closes this gap.
• •Emotional Advisory Board Audit: Draw a two-column table listing people you consult for personal and work problems. Circle only those who both validate your emotions and then help broaden your perspective toward solutions. People who only validate without redirecting are not effective emotional advisers, regardless of closeness.
• •Flexible Avoidance Strategy: Chronic avoidance of negative experiences correlates with poor outcomes, but strategic, time-limited avoidance followed by deliberate re-engagement can be effective. Cross's grandmother, a Holocaust survivor, avoided revisiting trauma for extended periods but processed it fully once annually, demonstrating that alternating between approach and avoidance outperforms forced constant confrontation.