A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

What It Covers

Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and CEO of Good Inside, explains how parenting principles apply to workplace leadership. The conversation covers repair strategies, boundary setting, the Most Generous Interpretation framework, building resilience over optimizing for happiness, and becoming a sturdy leader who validates emotions while maintaining authority in both family and professional environments.

Key Questions Answered

• •Repair as relationship strategy: Going back after a moment you're not proud of, taking responsibility for your part, acknowledging impact, and discussing what you'll do differently next time rebuilds trust and connection faster than any other approach. Secure attachment in relationships isn't defined by getting it right all the time but by the presence of repair. When trust and connection are reestablished through repair, people cooperate better and conversations become more productive rather than defensive.
• •Connection before correction: People can only cooperate when they feel seen as full human beings, not objects to get tasks done. The approach requires a genuine mindset shift to be present without agenda for 30 seconds, not just transactional connection. Examples include sitting next to someone with hand on their back, saying "I'm happy to see you," or describing what they're doing instead of peppering with questions. Efficiency and relationship building often oppose each other, requiring intentional switching between modes.
• •Separating behavior from identity: The quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is losing sight that someone is good inside. Start difficult conversations with "I want to say we're on the same team. I know you're a good person" before addressing behavior. When someone is late repeatedly, the framework is: acknowledge they're good and smart, note the pattern exists, then explore root causes together. This prevents defensive reactions where people feel their entire identity is being attacked rather than specific behavior being addressed.
• •Most Generous Interpretation (MGI): Replace least generous interpretations with most generous ones to change your relationship with difficult behavior. A kid jumping harder on the couch after being told to stop isn't a sociopath but someone oriented toward control who doubles down when threatened. An employee belaboring points in meetings might not feel heard initially. Using MGI helps you like the person again, see you're on the same team, and develop different interventions based on understanding rather than judgment.
• •Boundaries require zero compliance: Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do that requires them to do nothing. Making requests gives all power to the other person. Instead of "don't press elevator buttons," the boundary is "I'm standing between you and the buttons because I won't let you press them." At work, this means making decisions based on information and authority you hold, not seeking consensus on everything. Sturdy leaders see others' emotional experiences as real without being overwhelmed themselves.
• •I believe you and I believe in you: Effective support requires both validating someone's struggle (I believe you - one foot in the hole with them) and seeing their capability (I believe in you - one foot out of the hole). Saying "this is hard and it makes sense you're nervous" validates feelings. Adding "I know you can figure this out" provides the vision of capability they can't access in the moment. Without both elements, you either dismiss their struggle or collapse into the hole with them, making neither effective.
• •Resilience over happiness optimization: Optimizing for happiness in childhood builds anxiety and fragility in adulthood. Resilience is the ability to handle the widest range of experiences, not bringing every discomfort to zero. Kids learn what range of experiences they can cope with early on. Adults who can only feel okay when perfectly comfortable and happy struggle because life inevitably includes disappointment, jealousy, and anger. Building resilience means supporting people through hard experiences rather than removing all difficulty.