Reframing the Battle of Wills

What It Covers

Psychologist Stuart Ablon explains why traditional reward-punishment approaches fail to change behavior, introducing collaborative problem solving as a skill-building alternative that addresses underlying neurocognitive deficits rather than assumed lack of motivation or willpower.

Key Questions Answered

• •Skill vs Will Framework: Challenging behavior stems from lacking neurocognitive skills like impulse control, working memory, language processing, and emotion regulation rather than defiance. People do well if they can, not if they want to. Attempting to motivate someone who lacks skills creates frustration and damages self-esteem without improving performance.
• •Three-Step Collaborative Problem Solving: First, empathize by asking questions, making educated guesses, reflecting back what you hear, and reassuring the person they are not in trouble. Second, share your own concerns using "and" not "but." Third, invite the other person to propose solutions first to build ownership and practice problem-solving skills.
• •Working Memory Impact: Working memory functions as a cognitive shelf holding multiple information streams simultaneously during conversations and tasks. Deficits explain why people appear to stonewall or refuse when they actually need processing time. One teen required 30-plus seconds to formulate responses he initially dismissed with "I don't care."
• •Plan A vs Plan C Trap: Imposing your will (Plan A) escalates conflict without building skills or relationships. Dropping expectations entirely (Plan C) avoids problems temporarily but leaves issues unresolved. Most people oscillate between these approaches without accessing the more effective collaborative middle path that addresses both parties' concerns simultaneously.
• •Skill Development for Both Parties: Adults using collaborative problem solving develop the same neurocognitive skills as the people they help, including perspective-taking, cognitive flexibility, and impulse control. Research at Ottawa children's centers showed kids receiving this approach developed measurably stronger self-regulation and cognitive flexibility compared to traditional behavioral interventions across the province.