Reframing the Battle of Wills

This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedanta. Have you ever been frustrated with someone who never seems to change their behavior? You remind your partner, again, not to leave dirty dishes in the sink. You've had this conversation before. Maybe you snap at them. Maybe you roll your eyes and do it yourself. Or maybe you get frustrated and throw up your hands. Or maybe it's your child who melts down in the middle of the grocery store or a coworker who fails to meet deadlines in spite of endless reminders. No matter how many times we bring it up or how many strategies we try, nothing gets them to change. Before long, resentment sets in. The temptation is to push harder. More reminders, more rules, more consequences. We tell ourselves they must be stubborn, defiant, oppositional. This week on Hidden Brain, research that explains why the techniques we use to get people to change their behavior are often strikingly ineffective. And we look at better ways to help the people we care about make lasting change. It can be frustrating when people do things we don't want them to. A friend cancels plans at the last minute. A loud coworker dominates every meeting. A child refuses to get dressed for school. What goes through our minds in those moments, and how do our mindsets affect our ability to influence others to change? At Harvard Medical School, psychologist Stuart Ablon studies the science of helping people change. Stuart Ablon, welcome to Hidden Brain. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. I appreciate you having me. Stuart, you first became interested in psychology during your senior year of high school. You got a job working with kids. Tell me about the work you were doing. Yeah. I in high school, one of my first, you know, more serious jobs was working, on an inpatient psychiatry unit for kids and adolescents. So this is where kids and adolescents go when, they their behavior is really out of control, and they are, at risk of hurting themself or someone else, and they're usually admitted against their will. And I had an internship there, really, and I had no idea what to expect. And I remember on my first day, I was supervising along with some other staff, kids out on the playground. And, this young man started to get upset, really frustrated, and lose his cool. And, he could tell I was the new person. And, he said all kinds of awful things to me and went to try to attack me really. And, he spat in my face and he kicked me, where you don't wanna be kicked. And I was incredibly taken aback. And, one of the sort of more senior staff members, approached quickly to rescue me. And he said, let me show you how this is done here. And he sort of grabbed this young man and wheeled him around and, and wrapped his arm around …