851: Try a Little Tenderness

What It Covers

This American Life explores responses to conflict through stories of choosing tenderness over aggression. Episodes include six-year-old May negotiating anger with her sister through an unconventional compromise, comedian John Mulaney performing a noir detective story, a man's multi-week feud with vengeful crows after cutting down their tree, and a bus driver's ideology about fairness versus compassion.

Key Questions Answered

• •Childhood conflict resolution: Six-year-old May resolved her anger at sister Johanna by requesting to punch her in the butt instead of the face. Johanna agreed, understanding that refusing would escalate the situation. The compromise worked because May felt heard and got what she needed while Johanna avoided real harm. Both children recognized that asking for needs verbally, even unusual ones, prevents worse outcomes than acting impulsively.
• •Crow memory and grudges: Crows remember threats for seventeen years and teach offspring to recognize enemies across generations. University of Washington researcher John Marsluff wore an ogre mask while capturing crows in 2006, and each subsequent year more crows joined in attacking him when he returned wearing it. Alan Martin's tree-cutting incident triggered crow attacks that persisted for weeks, demonstrating how wildlife holds long-term grudges despite good intentions.
• •Crow appeasement strategy: After weeks of crow attacks, Alan Martin placed almonds on a shiny brass plate in his yard for three consecutive days while holding it above his head. By the fourth day, the crows stopped calling aggressively and disappeared after he left the offering. Researchers suggest that since Alan only stressed the crows without physical harm, food offerings helped them forget their grievance faster than if actual injury occurred.
• •Disguise effectiveness against crows: Alan Martin successfully avoided crow recognition by wearing a wig and beard. When he removed the disguise in front of the watching crow, it performed a literal backflip in shock and became extremely agitated. Alternative deterrents include umbrellas to block crow sightlines or wearing sunglasses backwards, as crows understand eye placement and avoid attacking perceived observers with extra eyes.
• •Bus driver utilitarian calculus: One bus driver refused to open doors for late passengers based on mathematical fairness: thirty seconds delay multiplied by sixty passengers equals thirty minutes of collective lost time, exceeding the fifteen minutes one late person loses. He prioritized societal good over individual gratitude, knowing passengers considered him cruel. His ideology stemmed from wanting to be God as a child, settling for bus driver as second choice.
• •Spanking and socioeconomic context: Comedian Josh Johnson observes that spanking made practical sense in poor households with nothing material to confiscate as punishment. He contrasts his own childhood experience sharing a bedroom with his mother against wealthy classmates at Catholic school, noting that physical discipline for privileged children with pools and resources constitutes different ethical territory than for families with limited disciplinary options available.