251. How to Stop Performing and Start Communicating with Presence

Hi. Matt here. The start of the new year gives us a moment to rethink how we work. And I don't know about you, but I wanna work more efficiently. And that's why I'm going to double down on Grammarly. Grammarly has been super helpful to me. It brings everything I need to do when writing all together. So I can take my writing from draft to done in one place, emails, presentations, proposals. I don't lose momentum, and you won't either. Grammarly even helps you use AI more thoughtfully and thoroughly. You can get real time suggestions, refine your tone, or ask for help, all while keeping your own voice front and center. I found it saves time and makes writing feel more manageable and even enjoyable. In fact, 90% of professionals say Grammarly saves them time, writing, and editing. Sign up for Grammarly free and take your professional writing from draft to done. Visit grammarly.com. That's grammarly.com. Effective communication is about presence, not performance. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Today, I'm really excited to speak with my friend, doctor Kate Mason. Kate is a world champion debater, executive communication coach, and author. She helps senior executives navigate critical and challenging communication situations along with what she calls the tricky act of communicating while female at work. Her new book is called powerfully likable. Well, welcome, Kate. I am excited to have you here in person. I know the Bay Area used to be your home, and now you live in Australia, which is one of my favorite places. Thanks for being here. Oh, I'm so pleased to be here, Matt. Thanks for having me. Excellent. Shall we get started? Let's do it. Alright. Confidence is a big theme in your book and your work. In fact, you have a chapter called kill your confidence. You argue that confidence is a supremely unhelpful concept. As someone who has spent a lot of my life helping people feel more confident in their communication, can you help us understand your thoughts on confidence? I think we're aligned, Matt, on wanting people to be confident. But what I find is the interesting part is when people tell someone else, you've just gotta be more confident, and there's a couple of reasons. One, I think it's supremely unactionable feedback. It's the outcome, but not the process. So it's a little bit like telling someone, just be healthier or win a gold medal. Right? It sounds good in theory, but, like, how do I get there? And the process is so different for all of us that it's not about following a listicle or three steps to it it's nuanced, and it requires some thought. So that's one of the reasons. I think the more important reason is that when we tell someone to be more confident, we actually get them out of their surroundings …