What To Do When Your Mind Won't Quit | Bart van Melik
Episode
26 min
Read time
2 min
Topics
Productivity, Health & Wellness, Crypto & Web3
AI-Generated Summary
Key Takeaways
- ✓Forgiveness as process, not bypass: Forcing forgiveness as a shortcut to feeling better creates spiritual bypassing. Instead, notice how you hold the memory each time it resurfaces — the attitude toward it shifts gradually through repeated, patient bearing witness. Forgiveness is ultimately defined as releasing all hope for a better past, which requires time, not willpower.
- ✓Boredom investigation technique: When boredom arises in meditation, ask two specific questions in sequence: "What is this?" then "How does it feel in the body?" Avoid asking "Why am I bored?" which triggers more thinking. Recognizing boredom as a passing wave also explains compulsive phone-checking — the urge emerges from unexamined boredom seeking stimulation.
- ✓Exhale-heavy-calm breathing for anxiety: A Tibetan Buddhist technique taught by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche: lie down, focus specifically on the out-breath, consciously make the body heavier with each exhale, then silently repeat the word "calm" as if soothing a child. Van Melik uses this at the dentist and during surgery to interrupt "what if" thought spirals.
- ✓Body connection through personal movement: For people who feel disconnected from their bodies during seated meditation, identify a physical activity that naturally produces embodied sensation — cold-water swimming, dancing, or even vacuuming — and practice mindfulness during that activity instead. The Buddha consistently began meditation instructions with body awareness, making embodiment a foundation, not an advanced skill.
- ✓Worry as a recognizable body state: When "what if" loops appear, shift attention from the narrative content to the physical signature of worry — jaw tension, temple pressure, chest tightness. Labeling it "worry is here, worry is being known" and locating it physically builds familiarity that makes future episodes less destabilizing, creating cumulative resilience rather than avoidance.
What It Covers
Meditation teacher Bart van Melik addresses four listener questions on a 10% Happier live session, covering how to handle anxiety-driven "what if" thought loops, approach forgiveness without forcing it, work with boredom during practice, and reconnect with the body when feeling emotionally detached and disconnected.
Key Questions Answered
- •Forgiveness as process, not bypass: Forcing forgiveness as a shortcut to feeling better creates spiritual bypassing. Instead, notice how you hold the memory each time it resurfaces — the attitude toward it shifts gradually through repeated, patient bearing witness. Forgiveness is ultimately defined as releasing all hope for a better past, which requires time, not willpower.
- •Boredom investigation technique: When boredom arises in meditation, ask two specific questions in sequence: "What is this?" then "How does it feel in the body?" Avoid asking "Why am I bored?" which triggers more thinking. Recognizing boredom as a passing wave also explains compulsive phone-checking — the urge emerges from unexamined boredom seeking stimulation.
- •Exhale-heavy-calm breathing for anxiety: A Tibetan Buddhist technique taught by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche: lie down, focus specifically on the out-breath, consciously make the body heavier with each exhale, then silently repeat the word "calm" as if soothing a child. Van Melik uses this at the dentist and during surgery to interrupt "what if" thought spirals.
- •Body connection through personal movement: For people who feel disconnected from their bodies during seated meditation, identify a physical activity that naturally produces embodied sensation — cold-water swimming, dancing, or even vacuuming — and practice mindfulness during that activity instead. The Buddha consistently began meditation instructions with body awareness, making embodiment a foundation, not an advanced skill.
- •Worry as a recognizable body state: When "what if" loops appear, shift attention from the narrative content to the physical signature of worry — jaw tension, temple pressure, chest tightness. Labeling it "worry is here, worry is being known" and locating it physically builds familiarity that makes future episodes less destabilizing, creating cumulative resilience rather than avoidance.
Notable Moment
Van Melik recounts teaching a breathing technique at a juvenile detention center alongside a Tibetan monk, where even security guards asked to participate. The exhale-focused relaxation practice visibly shifted the atmosphere of the entire room despite constant intercom noise and the sound of keys.
Episode Transcript
This is the Ten Percent Happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hello, my fellow suffering beings. How we doing today? If, like me, you've got a mind that likes to marinate in what if loops, what if I panic, what if I always feel this way, what if I can't handle this. If you're prone to that kind of thinking, this episode is for you. You're about to hear a master meditation teacher, Bart Van Melek, hold forth on how to handle these doom loops and much more. Bart also talks about forgiveness and what it actually means not to force forgiveness, how to work with boredom in meditation instead of running from it, how to get out of your head and into your body when you feel disconnected. And he talks about a breathing technique that he uses in lots of stressful situations, including when he's in the dentist's chair. So there's a lot here. Just a little bit about Bart before we dive in here. Bart is a guiding teacher at the Community Meditation Center in New York City. He also occasionally serves as teacher of the month over on my new ish meditation app. 10% with Dan Harris. Like all of our teachers of the month, Bart, will occasionally do a live session where he takes questions from subscribers. And today, we're gonna play you one such session. Before we begin, a heads up that I've got two live in person events coming up. On May 17, I'll be at the 92nd Street Y in New York City. I'll guide a meditation, take your questions. Specifically, I'll focus on how meditation can be truly helpful and not self indulgent in these fraught times. And then coming up on October, I'll be doing a weekend event at the Omega Institute in Upstate New York. It's our annual meditation party. I do it with Seven a Salassi and Jeff Warren. It's a full weekend where we teach a variety of meditation techniques. We take your questions. We even throw a dance party. It's a great way to deepen your practice and to get to know other people who also meditate. I will put links for both of these events in the show notes. And we will get started with Bart Van Melick right after this. It's way day at Wayfair. From April 25, through the twenty seventh, you can score the best deals in home, like up to 80% off with free shipping on everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what fits your style and your needs from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials. And it's all on sale during weigh day. Upgrade your space with quality pieces that work within your budget. And the best part, everything ships fast and free during weigh day. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair verified, AKA your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by hand using a 10 quality inspection so you …
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- Exhale-heavy-calm breathing techniqueRecommended
by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
“A Tibetan Buddhist technique taught by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche: lie down, focus specifically on the out-breath, consciously make the body heavier with each exhale, then silently repeat the word 'calm' as if soothing a child. Van Melik uses this at the dentist and during surgery to interrupt 'what if' thought spirals.”
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